hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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