Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
