the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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