he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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