Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
