My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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