I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
