Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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