my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
