I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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