I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We are all done wearing pants today
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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