if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
