my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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