It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
