Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
