Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
