I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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