seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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