My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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