when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
