I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
