just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
