I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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