Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
