I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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