Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
