I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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