my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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