Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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