Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
