The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
