Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
pray to the hookup gods
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
