I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No I am not eating basil off your cock
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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