She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
