The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
