Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize