I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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