maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
