'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
