Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
