I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Your penis caused this!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
