The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
