My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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