At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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