i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
