Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
