That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
