3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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