well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
