but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
accomplished twins. life is a go
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
