Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
