Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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