I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
