Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
