if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize