then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize