My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
