my phone needs a breathalizer
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's never too late to be topless.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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