I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
