I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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