I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
