He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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