so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
