Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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