I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
